Before starting this journal entry, I would like to acknowledge and thank those who have emailed me with their thoughts about my recent journal entries.
To be honest, I don’t always know how to respond. I’m not used to receiving personal and/or heartfelt emails like that. I hope you don’t feel I’m being rude or inconsiderate if my reply to you is short. I do want you to know that I’m very grateful for your emails. Thank you :)
With that aside, let’s jump into today’s journal entry. Keeping in mind the theme of my recent posts, I would like to share two uncomfortable truths. I’m facing them now because your emails have brought them to my attention. They’ve been elephants in the room that I’ve unconsciously not been looking at.
I’m grateful that you have, albeit unknowingly, gotten me to look at these two elephants. They’ve been wanting to be let out of my living room for a while and have been trumpeting for my attention. As of today, I’ve let them go back into the wild.
The elephants are happy, and so am I.
Uncomfortable Elephant #1: I don’t like it when people leave me
Because of this, I:
Try my best to be likeable
Can be clingy. I fear that people smell this desperation/insecurity and that they, consciously or unconsciously, choose to keep their distance because of it. In fact, it is highly likely, if not guaranteed, that some people have done this to me.
Fear people pretend to like me more than they actually do
Talk to me in order to be polite or because they feel obligated to, not because they want to
Hate the feeling when someone who works for me wants to quit
I’ve realized that the most important thing for me to do is to admit to these feelings when they arise at least to myself or, if the situation calls for it, to the person who is the object of my feelings. Clear the air.
Ever since my trip to Taiwan, it’s hit me that I don’t have genuine relationships with many of the people around me. It’s my own fault - but the good news is that now I can change it. I have to share what’s on my mind. Release the elephant in the room. Elephants don’t belong in rooms anyway. I need to let him go back into the wild. His family misses him.
Uncomfortable Elephant #2: I did not always listen to my conscience earlier in my business career
Some people who worked on my team probably disliked me and, possibly, still dislike me now. I wonder if some of them even hated me and if those feelings would resurface if we bumped into each other today.
I think the crux of the problem was a lack of experience. I wasn’t as strong of a communicator or business operator as I am today. I didn’t know how to solve the complex problems in my business. I was less self-aware and less comfortable in my skin. I definitely didn’t select my team well and was not a strong recruiter. I was less skilled at owning my own truth. In fact, owning and communicating my truth is something I’ve seemingly just learned to do.
Due to my inexperience, I listened to the opinions of peers and mentors about how to run my business. I learned a lot and I do not regret my choice. Without listening to them, I would not have the skills needed to run two separate businesses profitably from 2011 to now. However, sometimes I followed direction or advice from others even though my conscience was telling me that I should do otherwise. In other words, I listened to the voices outside me instead of my conscience.
As a result, I sometimes:
Wasn’t forthright in my communication or, at my worst, tended toward manipulative or deceptive speech. I did this when recruiting, trying to get better performance from my team, and when resolving conflicts. Yuck, I feel like a slime ball thinking back on this.
Pushed people to work past their mental breaking point.
Thankfully, I didn’t act immorally all the time. Furthermore, there were times where my conscience screamed in protest loud enough for me to listen and veer back onto the right path. I should, however, have listened to my conscience with a higher level of consistency.
Lesson learned. Elephant #2 is back in the wild :)
Thanks for reading today’s journal entry!
By the way, if you have any comments or questions you’d like me to write about (related to languages or not), feel free to send them my way.
Azren
Another awesome post! I think I can learn a good deal from your recent posts! Stay true to yourself, your core beliefs and values - always!