It turns out that I’m afraid of loss.
More specifically, I’m afraid of losing my:
Family and friends. For example, I’m afraid of having to look after my sister alone.
Freedom. For example, I’m afraid of my country degrading into a tyrannical place at some point in my life.
Security. For example, I’m afraid of being physically attacked and not having the ability to defend myself.
Reputation. For example, I’m afraid of being socially rejected and never forgiven for either a moral error on my part or a widespread lie spread by someone malevolent.
Money. For example, I fear losing access to the Internet since I rely on it to earn a living.
Home. For example, I’m afraid of suddenly being homeless and not having anywhere to go.
Health. For example, I’m afraid of suddenly losing the ability to use my body due to an accident or illness.
In other words, I’m afraid of my world crumbling around me and then being ill-equipped to keep suffering at bay.
So many of my decisions are fuelled by fear. It might even be the majority of them and I’m not sure what to do with this realization. A part of me is uncomfortable with having fear as such a strong motivator in my life and wishes I could replace it with something else. Another part of me says that I should accept this and also look for a more positive motivator to add, such as love.
And yet, while I consider those options, an even deeper part of me tells me that it’s not my job to come to conclusions. I just need to trust that the process of understanding myself is enough.
Azren, We are all afraid of loss. Like you, I fear loss of family and friends, and loss of my health. For myself, I am trying to trust that God has a plan for me that will become clear to me when I face the Lord at my death. To overcome my fears, and to find some measure of peace, I study scripture, pray, and partake of the sacraments (I am Catholic). I am praying for you and your family! Mary