It Doesn't Matter What I Look Like, You'll Still Like and Trust Me

Updating my views on fashion and on one's sense of style

As a child, I didn’t like wearing dress clothes.

This was because the buttons on shirts were hard to do up. I had poor fine motor skills. I also didn’t feel that formal clothes were comfortable and I hated that I needed to be careful not to get them dirty or ruin them. All I really wanted to wear was:

• Bottoms: jeans, shorts, track pants, or sweatpants

• Tops: graphic t-shirts or long-sleeve shirts

• Jackets: zip-up hoodies or winter jackets

• Footwear: Running shoes or boots in the winter

Fun fact: I used to tell my mom that when I get married, I would wear jeans and a t-shirt. Everyone at my wedding could wear whatever they wanted.

As I got older, my feelings about appearance evolved… in a negative direction.

I refused to wear nice clothes, even if it fit with my personal “dress code.” For example, if someone suggested I wear somewhat nicer jeans instead of the ones I wore, I would have refused. I also judged people who dressed well and, on some level, might have even valued dressing like a slob because it was the opposite of being fashionable. You may be wondering why I was like this.

For years, if you had asked me that question I would have said that I didn’t care about clothes or what others look like.

If I were more articulate, I also would have added:

1. I associated caring about one’s appearance as an expression of excessive vanity and/or insecurity

2. I felt that having enough clothes to have a sense of style was too expensive

3. I didn’t think my outer appearance should affect how people felt about me

4. I didn’t think that I should wear something just because others said I should

However, recently I began to experience cognitive dissonance because I noticed that I was being hypocritical.

Let me give you some examples:

1. The people I want to date are fashionable, or at least have a personal sense of style.

2. I make unconscious snap-judgements based stranger’s appearance.

3. I can be physically disgusted by people. This is in situations when I’m near someone who looks particularly disheveled and is wearing dirty or visibly tattered clothes.

4. This is not a clothing-related example, but it is related to physical appearance. I don’t like being in people’s homes that were extremely disorderly and/or dirty. I unconsciously judge them for it.

5. Many people I admire for purposes other than appearance (e.g., professional success, helpful advice they give, moral character) also happened to have a personal sense of style. They, at a bare minimum, wear clothes that they chose for a personal reason, even if it’s not trendy.

6. If I am honest with myself, a part of me wants to have the ability to, when I choose to, dress in a particularly unique or eclectic way. I also have a belief that you shouldn’t ever avoid doing something because you can’t do it, but rather because you choose not to. In my case, I don’t have a sense of style so I have for my whole life dressed poorly by default and not by choice.

Additionally, it hit me that my beliefs around clothing had another gapingly obvious flaw.

If I truly didn’t care about clothes or what people look like, I personally wouldn’t ever be opposed to wearing any particular set of clothes. I would, for example, wear orange glasses or rings on my fingers. I would be fine with wearing a suit to the movies, even though that’s not typical behaviour. The thing is though, I would care and I would feel self-conscious.

Lastly, when I was in Taipei I realized that one’s overall appearance is, among other things, a tool to make others like and trust me.

Here some of the ways we, as people, make others like and trust us:

1. Appearance (clothes, hygiene, and hairstyle)

2. Moral character and values. This is what matters the most to me personally.

3. Body language

4. Word choice

5. Rapport (i.e., finding things in common). In terms of importance to me personally, I would say this is a close second or tied with point #1 above.

6. Voice cadence, tone of voice, and vocal variety

I realized that I could ignore my appearance and still get people to like and trust me based on my values, body language, word choice, ability to build rapport, and voice. However, if I do that it should be a conscious choice instead of a default, unconscious way of being.

I’ve recently updated my personal philosophy on external appearances.

First of all, I like the idea of embodying the idea that “it doesn't matter what I look like, you'll still like and trust me.” That is a powerful idea. I can imagine myself walking into the office of one of my corporate clients on one day wearing a suit, the next day wearing an obnoxiously large cowboy hat, and the next a boring t-shirt and jeans outfit. I would become a talking point, to say the least. From what I can tell, I don’t have to adhere to a specific dress code when teaching at their office, so why not do this?

On a related note, I would like to use my appearance as a spice. The way I see it, one’s appearance matters the most in two situations:

1. To make a positive impression on people you’re meeting for the first time.

   1. E.g., a job interview.

2. To make a positive impression on people you are very close to.

   1. E.g., to spice up relationship by wearing different clothes and embodying a different identity. Aside from the obvious example of doing this in a romantic relationship, it can also be done with long-time friends to spice up the friendship. I can imagine, for example, how entertaining it would be for some of my close friends if I wore some eccentric outfits at unexpected times when we hang out.

Embodying the two ideas above is not exactly high on my priority list, but now that they’re in my mind I think I will, from time to time, purchase relatively random items of clothing for this purpose.

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