I’ve been focusing on telling the truth to myself and to others.
The hardest part, initially, was figuring out what my truth was. I was getting paralyzed with indecision, asking myself questions like “is that really true? Do I feel that way?” It wasn’t until this evening that I realized that I was overthinking things. I just need to speak what’s on my mind. I might make mistakes and my truth may change.
No wait - I will make mistakes and my truth will change, at least from time to time. I’m human.
I’ve also realized that there are different levels of truth.
There is a surface level truth and underlying, more specific truths that hold up the surface level truth. Here’s a personal example:
Surface level truth: I dislike it when people don’t reply to my text message.
Deeper truth: I feel that people don’t like me when they don’t reply to my text message.
Even deeper truth: I fear that there’s something about me that repels people, so that’s why I dislike it when people don’t reply to my text messages.
Who knows how deep a truth goes. A skill I’ve been practicing is to speak in deep level truths with people. I’ve been doing it for a week and people are reacting to me completely differently than before. I think it’s positive, but I don’t have the words yet to articulate the phenomenon I’m experiencing.
Here are some experiences that I have had in the past week since I’ve began this journey of exploring truth and vulnerability.
People tell me personal stories very quickly
I’ve connected with people on a deep level within hours of knowing them
I no longer fear being myself with my family
I have decided to teach fewer classes. I couldn’t have imagined myself doing that even 3 months ago.
I received a text message from someone I know offering me 20 new students
I got rid of half my wardrobe of casual clothes
I have written 1-page word documents and sent them to people who I feel like I have something to say to, but haven’t ever said it. This includes friends, students, people who work for me, and family members.
I’ve realized just how many lies I was embodying and/or how many truths I was avoiding. I never thought there were so many. Who have I been for all these years?! Maybe a fearful, weaker version of myself. It can be painful, yet cathartic, to let the lies die and to bring the truths I’ve avoided into the light.
Honestly (pun intended), this journey of truth and vulnerability is so mind-boggling to me because people are treating me wildly differently than they ever have before.
Let’s see where this takes me.