My flight landed in Calgary two days ago. I cleared customs and then saw a family holding the following sign.
It would have been interesting to see the grandparents’ reaction upon seeing their family with that sign. I wonder why they had been away for so long? Did they used to live in Canada? If yes, I wonder how they will feel being back after 5 years.
In my case, being away for a little over 5 weeks makes me see my old life with new eyes. I will outline some examples in the rest of today’s journal entry.
Side note: I must admit, my adventure of writing about uncomfortable truths and sharing them publicly has been scary, therapeutic, cathartic, and exhilarating.
Same Life, New Eyes
Example 1: My Family
While I was abroad, I realized that I don’t act as my best self with my family. I am usually meek, socially awkward, and self-conscious. I decided on the flight back home that I would try to change this.
Shortly after landing, I attended a large family dinner. It was the perfect chance to try being my usual self. I was nervous about how how my family would react to seeing the “real” version of me.
In the end, the dinner went smoothly. I conversed with my family more than I usually do. I felt at ease.
It turned out that as soon as I acknowledged my feelings and committed to be more courageous, there was nothing to even be afraid of.
Example 2: My Bedroom
It hit me today that I don’t like it when people see my room. It turns out that I’ve been unconsciously a little bit ashamed of it…and that’s why I’ve decided to include a few pictures in today’s post.
This is a relatively accurate representation of what room usually looks like, except that I only make my bed a few days a week and I normally have 2-5 articles of clothing on the ground.
Here’s what I see when I look at my room:
A bed, dresser, and night table that I’ve had for longer than I can remember
A messy dresser
Night table drawers with a mishmash of objects
Closet shelves full of things I don’t often use
Bare walls
Lots of clothes
A calendar from 2017
In a nutshell, I’ve realized that my bedroom is, aside from being the place I sleep, a somewhat tidy place to keep objects I care about or used to care about. I’m not sure if I will do anything to make it look nicer, but at a minimum I’ve brought my negative feelings about my room to my conscious mind and labeled them. I already find that cathartic and feel more positively about my room now.
Example 3: My Living Situation and Finances
You may or may not know that I live at home. I haven’t moved out. Yes, I am almost 31 years-old and I live with my mom and my sister. I feel embarrassed about it. I wish I had enough money to buy myself a 2-bedroom/2-bathroom home. After purchasing such a home, I wouldn’t want my monthly living expenses (groceries, cell phone bill, gas for my car, etc) to exceed 50% of what I earn. Over time, I would want to increase my income so that my living expenses account for 33% or less of what I earn.
I would be so proud of myself if I were to achieve that goal and I view it as a failure that I don’t have enough financial success yet to do that. I thought I would by now. I feel behind.
I have grown my business to the point where I could move out and rent my own apartment. A part of me wants to do that. The reason I haven’t is that I have a disabled younger sister and I am her guardian. My dad was never present in either of our lives, so it has always been my mom and I who looked after her.
When I move out, for my sister’s sake it’s best that I live:
In a detached home as opposed to an apartment or any form of attached home (e.g., duplex or a townhome.)
In Calgary
Alone (no roommates)
In a place with at least two bedrooms and two bathrooms
Somewhere quiet
In a place I own as opposed to a place I rent
The limitations above make moving out to be more expensive than I can currently afford, especially since I’m financially risk-averse. Living either pay-check to pay-check or with minimal savings does not appeal to me. After all, I will be supporting not just myself, but also my sister.
Example 4: My Professional Life and Philanthropy
I have four criteria for my professional life:
I enjoy what I do for work
My work aligns with my values and morals. I need to be spreading good through my work.
I earn enough money to pay for all my living expenses using 33% or less of my income
Once criteria 1-3 are met, I would like to put myself on a clear pathway to reach a philanthropic goal of donating at least $400,000 a year toward causes I believe in. I’m scared to admit this publicly because of how ambitious and unrealistic it sounds to me.
I enjoy running the Calgary Language Nerds and the way I operate my business aligns with my values and morals. The business is successful. We have thousands of positive reviews, over twenty instructors who teach 10+ languages, and somewhere in the neighbourhood of 150 to 200 paying students. I earn a living where I could rent my own apartment and support myself.
Overall, I am proud of what I’ve built, especially considering that I started this business from scratch starting at the age of 24. I think that’s quite young.
However, as I mentioned before, I am not yet satisfied with my current level of financial success, nor do I feel that I have a clear pathway to reaching my philanthropic goal. I admit I feel a little hopeless at times.
After being back home, I’ve realized that I wish I had a career that allowed me to check off each of my 4 professional criteria. I don’t quite know what my next step is to move in that direction, but I am glad that I have more clarity on what I want. I’m clearly doing something wrong, which is a relief to know. It just means I need to open my mind and adopt a new way of being and/or approach.
Any advice is welcome.
Example 5: My Clothes
In a previous journal entry, I shared that I have feared and disliked fashion for most of my life. I used to associate it with vanity and insecurity. I also was intimidated by nice clothes, thought they were uncomfortable to wear, could never understand how to put certain articles of clothing on (more as a child than as an adult), and was constantly worried about getting them dirty by brushing up against something muddy or spilling food. Lastly, as a child I hated being told that I had to wear something for a certain occasion.
However, my views on fashion have changed. I now have a much more sophisticated and nuanced opinion about its pros and cons. Because of this, I have decided to update my wardrobe. In fact, I just took the first step by making a pile of clothes to get rid of. It’s about half my casual wear.
Thank you for reading this journal entry. Talk to you soon.
Azren
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IMO you underestimate yourself. You are a very decent human. Don't worry about societal norms and expectations. You are living a great life.
You are such a fascinating person. Growing inside and out.....your journey of exploration makes me admire your courage, your talents and your ingenuity. Your quest for philanthropy on a large scale is daunting but doable. Others much wiser than I can advise you.
Carry on my friend! I have every confidence you will achieve your goals.🍃💫