In my previous journal entry, I focused on writing the truth about my feelings in service of creating a better future.
I found it to be therapeutic and productive. I feel a little bit more courageous and ready to make decisions that will, hopefully, improve my life. Furthermore, I received a few emails from you sharing your personal reaction to what I wrote. I get the feeling that I struck a chord.
Let's continue riding this roller coaster of truth and see where it takes both you, the reader, and I, the writer.
Travel Blog 12: From Sad to Nervous
I'm nervous about going home.
There are two reasons for this. One of them is shallow and the other is deep. On the shallow side of things, I'm afraid of being jet-lagged. My plan was to stay awake the entire night before my flight, sleep for 6 hours on the plane from Taipei to San Francisco, catch 1-2 hours of sleep from San Francisco to Calgary, and then stay awake in Calgary until my usual bed time.
If I did that, I would have, essentially, not experienced any jet-lag.
Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan. What has happened instead is that I've gotten about 4 hours of very light sleep in the past 36 hours.
I feel confused about why I care so much about avoiding jet-lag. It's not a big deal to be jet-lagged for a few days, is it? I guess I don't want to be awake in the middle of the night and then feel exhausted by 6pm in the evening. It goes against the idea of:
When I should wake up.
When I should work.
When I should spend time on my hobbies.
When I should rest.
When I should sleep.
I've had, roughly speaking, the same routine for the past 7 years. It's stressing me out that I might have to deviate from it.
There's another deeper reason that I'm nervous. It has to do with the cross-section between my social skills and my family.
I hope what I'm about to write isn't too long-winded, but I think the details are important. At any rate, writing the details out has helped me understand a deeply-rooted, long-term problem in my life that I'm only exploring for the first time now.
I've been working on my social skills since the age of 18. That was when I started running my first business - a residential window cleaning franchise.
Social skills were necessary when I operated that business.
This is because I would communicate with hundreds of people every week. For example, I:
Sold window cleaning door-to-door and on the phone
Interviewed new potential employees and, later, franchisees
Lead division-wide training sessions and team-building events
Resolved conflicts with customers and with those who worked on my team
Using Vanessa Van Edwards' terms, I needed to find the right balance of warmth and competence depending on the situation I was in and the person I was speaking with.
The past month and a half, I felt that all my work on social skills for the past 12 years came together.
I listened to people actively. I stopped my tendency of talking too much. I (usually) felt calm and confident. I paid attention to non-verbal social cues. I built rapport effectively.
The result was that I had some of the best social interactions I have ever had in my life. Most people I met liked me. I liked them. We had meaningful conversations. I felt that we were mutually glad to have met each other. It was not uncommon for me to have my heart feeling full after a conversation. I have rarely felt that way in the past, but it was a regular occurrence over the past six weeks.
It was also exciting to see that I frequently I learned things from those I met that bettered my life. I was often able to reciprocate and help them develop an insight or two as well.
In short, I'm proud of myself.
Where my social skills have generally improved over time, they've been stagnant with most of my mom's side of the family.
To be blunt, I have poor social skills with them. I'm too quiet. I give short 1-word or 1-phrase answers to questions. I don't ask a lot of questions. I don't pay attention to non-verbal cues. I don't know what to say. My brain freezes up. They all talk to each other and I just sit there like a piece of furniture. It's partially because they talk about things I don't know much about or don't relate to, but I think it's more to do with the following:
I feel uncomfortable being my usual self with them
Growing up I had to speak Gujarati with my family. However, as I got older the complexity of what I wanted to say exceeded my Gujarati level. It was anxiety-provoking to speak to most of my family, so I would avoid doing so. It scared me (and even does now) to ask my family how to say something in Gujarati.
With most of my family, I continue to act out certain social behaviours that I adopted at a young age, even though they don't align with my true personality.
Right after landing, I will be going to my grandparents' house. I'll be having dinner with about 12 other family members.
How should I behave with them? Should I walk in the door and act as I actually am?
For example, I often hug people or shake their hand when I see them. This is relatively typical Azren behaviour. However, I don't really break the touch barrier with my family. Should I walk in the door, spread my arms open wide ready to give them a hug and say with a big smile "Hi! It's nice to see you!"
I'm having a hard time holding in my laughter imagining my family's reaction. To them, that would be out of character.
Should I tell them about how “meaningful” the trip was and how “my heart was full” after certain conversations?
I don't talk that way with them, nor do they get emotional like that. Or rather, maybe they do, but I just am not privy to those conversations. Who knows.
Should I speak with enthusiasm instead of being a lump on a log?
Should I laugh like I usually do instead of smiling politely?
Should I pay them compliments and try to build them up like I do with most other people in my life?
Should I speak up when they say something I disagree with instead of staying quiet?
Should I actually be myself?
The answer is probably yes. But I don't know if I will be able to.
PS - My armpits and back are all sweaty after writing this. I didn't notice until now. I feel a load off my shoulders.
Also, hi family. I think you read my blogs. Lol. See you soon.